The last call
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: Sequel to 'My grown up life'. When everything doesn't turn as planned. Children included.
1. Prologue

I found out who I was the day I gave birth to you.

She might have heard it just once but the words had remained in her mind like engraved in a stone that not even the years would manage to erase. Her lack of principles had broken into pieces and she had built from those ruins her own concept of motherhood.

A woman's identity laid in her strength to bring life to someone. Though most of the times we also forgot that it simply set off the fatal countdown. The seconds passed by and death was getting closer. Mothers stole their children's breath while giving birth to them, irremediably.

Men's presence only speeded up the pace of the process to kill the creators of life; any kind of woman.

"Both bedrooms have large windows, overlooking the oak trees of the street. It brings a sentiment of security, as well as some indispensable shadows when the summer finally hits the city and the temperatures raise fast."

Her arms crossed against her chest in a protective attempt, Karen nodded absent-mindedly. Her throat hurt too much to even pay attention to the estate agent's speech. Like the trail of blood left by some claws on a pale skin, the pain seemed to be traveling through her veins before getting spread over her heart, her arteries; her eyes.

It wasn't harder in the morning; not that much in the evening either. As a matter of fact she couldn't distinguish the different stages of pain as if her nervous system had just been reduced to pieces and all she could do now was wandering through a labyrinth of fallen dreams.

"The fireplace of the living-room can be used any time if you respect the norms of use and the laws of New York City about the…"

The allusion to the law put an end to her wanders and she suddenly got lost in her thoughts, all the accumulated anger. She had said that she understood and respected his choice; that anyway, it wouldn't change a lot because of what they had drawn together and nothing would ever manage to crash it all against a wall.

Her lies had taken her away and there she was now, so sad and alone.

"The kitchen area is quite small but since it overlooks the rest of the living-room, the surface is multiplied and the room takes advantage of the large, very large windows. It is very rare for the area to find an apartment that has so much light."

"I know. The previous one cruelly lacked it. That's why my husband and I had bought so many lamps. The shades weren't pure and natural but they sounded relaxing enough to feel at home."

The length of her reply surprised the agent but after a couple of dubitative seconds, the man swallowed back his vague confusion and came back to the effectiveness of his work: deprived of any feeling, resigned and obedient to money like a doll to human's hands.

"Then I am sure you will enjoy this new flat, Mrs. Truman. Would your husband like to view it before signing the deal, as well as your daughter?"

She would have to grow accustomed to it. The question would come back over and over, through the innocence of the ones who didn't know; the subversive rules of politeness. Maybe one day it wouldn't hurt anymore.

She clenched her fists, her nails digging invisible wounds in her flesh.

She shook her head.

"There is no husband anymore. We are in the middle of a divorce."

"Oh, I see."

And the words floated by, pushed by the indifference of society towards her deep grief.

xxxxxxx

"_I want to have a child."_

_She had been dreading this moment for so long that at some point she had almost managed to convince herself that it wouldn't happen, that it only belonged to her anxious fantasies. They had never talked about it, barely alluded to the notion of parenthood. _

_She wasn't ready._

"_It is not made for me."_

"_Perhaps you just need time to think about it…"_

"_No. It won't happen, that's all. I am sorry if it disappoints you but I just can't. It is way too much for me to bear. I won't be able to handle it properly."_

_The truth was that she was scared to death by the unknown and the changes it would imply. She could barely face her existence now so it seemed impossible to assume another role when the original one was still so unbalanced and lame. _

"_Does it have something to do with the fact that we aren't married yet?"_

_She shook her head but unconvinced by her own gesture, she finally shrugged. That was it: she wasn't sure of anything. _

"_It is just a very important step to make and I need to feel ready first. Do you understand?"_

"_I love you, Karen."_

_Was that supposed to mean that he understood and so she didn't have to worry? Did she have to find the interpretation of his half-sentence in the blurry logic of her personal mind, no mattered she might be wrong all along? _

_That was the problem with Will. Sometimes he remained so silent over his own feelings that she didn't know what to think of them and if she began to evolve in a world of utopias then the end would be too hard. _

_Had he tried to say that he would always be by her side?_

_Because if so, then it was all a lie._


	2. Becoming Louise

Two lines, right between her hazel eyes coming from the depths of her forehead and dying in the shapes of her nose; it looked like a frontier separating two symmetric worlds that had nothing distinctive at all. They were just like twins, desperate to find their uniqueness in the common design of their figure.

She frowned and rubbed the wrinkle as if her pointless gesture would manage to erase the weight of imperfection from her face but very soon her own contemplation got substituted by another point of interest as a little voice showed up in her back. She turned around, all smiles; no mattered everything was so dark.

Sometimes lying was simply easier and maybe not so harmful.

"I am here, honey. Don't be worried… Mommy is here."

Bending over, she took the toddler in her arms then turned around. Until she gave birth to her daughter, Karen had never realized how someone else's heat could be so warm against her own body. It hadn't hit her brain, never made its way to her blurry feelings. It could probably explain the reason why she had always been so cold.

Then the midwife had put Louise on her chest and the world had changed.

Her lips made contact with her daughter's head in a soft kiss.

"We are going to do just fine, sweetie; even though I miss him."

The last words got swallowed in a restrained sob. She closed her eyes, for a couple of seconds. Five years had passed by, by his side, and the truth was that whenever she looked around, the emptiness of the apartment sent back to her Will's unbearable absence.

She hadn't grown accustomed to him but developed an addiction to his voice, his smiles, his kisses, and now he wasn't there to fulfill her needs.

"Your bath is ready so how about we play for a little while in the tub and then I read you a story?"

She passed the door of the bathroom and proceeded to undress Louise.

It had taken them three months to calm down the toddler who, as soon as water got too close, used to burst into cries of terror. It had always fascinated Karen, caused a whole wave of interrogations to rise in her brain; and why her child was so scared, and why all of a sudden she had abdicated before an irremediable, maybe unfair, logic.

"I am sure daddy will…"

The instinctive sentence made her shiver, vaguely jump. The baby felt it and looked up at her, halfway between the maternal safety and a strong sentiment of insecurity; on the verge to cry. The limits of a child were so fine.

The smile that had lit up her features subconsciously vanished back in the nets of a grey reality and she shook her head, sighed.

"He won't be here tonight. Now let's just see if I can cope with that."

xxxxxxx

_She knew his lips by heart, the slightest shape of his body against the palm of her hand. Sometimes she fantasized about a sudden blindness then closed her eyes. Her feelings seemed to get multiplied and it was when she thought Will and she were just one._

_"I love you."_

_The confession was never made through a face-to-face. An impossibility to lock her eyes with his in such moment made her turn her back at him and then she dared, quietly. _

_His hand slid on her arm as he planted a kiss on her shoulder, his leg getting intertwined with hers. She loved those moments of intimacy when nothing seemed to be able to break them down into pieces. She felt strong by then, and understood. _

_"I am pregnant."_

_Perhaps they should have been more careful, paid attention to the signs because when she announced to him that she was expecting their child, all that Karen wanted to do was to burst into cries. It hadn't been planned and she wasn't ready at all. When the results of her blood sample had been given, she had felt like dying. _

_The idea to extend a part of her own persona to a third party was repulsive, unfair. Who was she to dare to engrave on a child all her insecurities?_

_"Don't leave me, Will."_

_Her voice got lost in barely restrained tears. She grabbed his hand, held it tight. _

_"I have never planned such a thing."_

_But a year and a half later he did. She believed him and went through her pregnancy before giving birth to Louise on a Sunday morning. It never sounded right as if something had been missing all along. _

_Perhaps it was faith or just the strength of eternal marriages. She would never know exactly._

_They chose the name of their daughter in homage to an actress of another century whom Karen had always loved more than anything; for being so quiet, so expressive. _

_And long after Will decided to leave, Karen would keep on wondering when their love story had been reduced to invisible ashes. _

_"I love you, Will. Don't leave me, please."_

_Perhaps the secret laid in the most silent feelings. _

_She turned around in bed, locked her hazel eyes with his brown ones; took a deep breath. She never found the courage to say that she would go through it for him; only him. In her deepest hopes she had probably imagined that he would guess everything.  
_


	3. The aquamarine

The wood of the table disappeared behind the blueness of the gem as she put down the ring, making it twirl around blankly. Then all of a sudden, the jewel stopped and the room plunged back into a bitter silence.

"Why have you taken it off?"

Sat on the couch Karen shrugged, unable to give a proper answer to Grace. Was it a sign that she was finally ready to go on and turn the page or on the contrary, a desperate attempt to have a better look at what was left of Will on her skin?

"I guess it was becoming oppressive."

She had been dark, lately. Some days seemed easier and she could control her own words but if she didn't pay attention enough, her statements ended up shocking people and then everything was weird.

She passed her tongue over her lips and swallowed hard; shook her head.

"I mean… Will used to say that the aqua-marine matched my eyes…"

"But they aren't blue."

"I know. I guess he was alluding to the sparkle thing; this little flame that lights up people's gazes. I have lost it, Grace. And now I feel like I am dead."

Curiously enough she remained still, cold before the harshness of her own sentences. Perhaps her body was too tired to cry and so she had reached another stage where sorrow found resonance in a complete absence of reactions; as if your brain had finally got separated from your soul.

It was scaring enough.

"Do you remember the first time I told you that I was in love with Will?"

Grace studied the room, lost in her thoughts. A few seconds passed by before she finally cleared her voice and smiled, almost timidly.

"I guess it's the first time."

"But it's too late now."

Louise's cries resounded loud in the background, like a sort of alarm supposed to put an end to the conversation before it got even more painful; even more pointless.

"Let me go for her, please. I want to see my niece."

Grace stood up and came back soon with the toddler in her arms. Sometimes when she observed such a scene, Karen thought that it wasn't her child. The image seemed better and more logical when she wasn't a part of it. The realization was hard but she couldn't help it.

She barely responded to her daughter's smile and stared at the hardwood floor instead, ashamed.

"Do you think you will have children, Grace?"

"I hope so."

Whenever she came up with this question, Karen actually already knew the answer; a sort of positive and hopeful desire that seemed to boil in women's stomach, as necessary as breathing. Then why did she not feel that too?

She had never wanted to have a child. She had done it for Will.

"Good…"

She took Louise in her arms and held her tight against her chest; kissed the top of her head.

"Take your time though. Take your time, honey."

xxxxxxx

_She had just reached the sixth month of her pregnancy and they had started talking about the nursery room; the colors they would like to see in order to welcome their child in their lives, softly. _

_The summer had also arrived, bringing its high temperatures in a whirl of strong smells and pain. She hadn't had morning sickness until then but the mix caused by the heat won over her senses and so they had decided to go away for a weekend._

_They had rented a small house by the sea. It didn't look at all like the one they had vaguely shared once at the beginning of their story but the sound of the waves in the background and the softness of the sand under their feet seemed to have brought back a thousand memories of a time that had got lost in their past, so far behind. _

_Four years and a half; it wasn't a whole life but still a large part of the path. _

_"Are you fine?"_

_From the deckchair of the terrace Karen opened her eyes and looked up at Will but he was standing in the sun and all she could picture out was a blurry, dark figure in the bright light. She smiled, a hand on her stomach then nodded. The baby had been moving a lot lately and the sensation was odd, kind of disturbing. _

_"Good because…"_

_She remained quiet as Will sat down on the floor by her side and grabbed her hand. She loved when he did because at some point his fingers always ended up caressing hers and it was reassuring; sweet. _

_"Please close your eyes."_

_At the beginning she only felt his fingers slide along hers but all of a sudden the metal made contact with her skin and she instinctively held her breath. His lips brushed hers in a stolen kiss before landing on her ear._

_"Because we were meant to be, I want you to marry me."_

_Four years and a half ago he had said yes when she had proposed him but for whatever reasons her words had remained in a world of dreams and they hadn't talked about it anymore. _

_And all of a sudden, the story got repeated; by him. _

_She had just thought that the aqua-marine would be the symbol of their eternity.  
_


	4. Pretending

He opened the door and she forgave him immediately. As a matter of fact, she only needed to see his smile to draw a line under her anger or better said her injuries. She couldn't stay mad at him for very long. It had always been one of her weaknesses when it came to Will.

"Hello…"

Louise recognized his voice immediately and she emerged from Karen's chest to turn towards him, tending her arms. She looked happy, almost too serene. Perhaps she hadn't realized the situation yet and the notion of divorce would make its way to her head later.

No mattered when it occurred, Karen knew that it would be hard.

"She was falling asleep. It is pretty late, for her."

"Please no reproach tonight, Karen."

She hadn't meant it but the simple fact to actually hurt him resulted enough to stir up a strong wave of shame and she looked down, hiding the red on her cheeks.

She finally came in, a bit reluctantly. She had spent five years in this apartment, thinking it would be hers for the rest of her life and she had felt fine there; at home. Then it had happened.

The first thing she noticed was the absence of an old lamp they had bought to a flea market on a Sunday morning. They had awoken late and it had taken Will a lot of strength to drag her out of bed and face the snow outside to go to Harlem, wandering through bare streets covered of a pure whiteness.

Instead of the old Japanese style lamp was standing a green plant now, beautiful but without any story to tell. It seemed that the shapes of the apartment hadn't changed but the inside had been devastated. She swallowed hard but kept on smiling. She didn't want to throw a scene, didn't have the strength to anyway.

"Do you want some wine, Kare?"

He shouldn't call her like that anymore. It belonged to a past he had decided to bury, deep; very deep under a ton of dust and a thousand lies. She nodded.

"Where are Jack and Grace? They are coming, aren't they?"

"Jack is having a shower and Grace went to the deli. We are running out of olive oil."

Within a second the whole machine set off in her head, from the slight sensation of anxiety to the vain hope she wouldn't have to cross him before the others showed up. She hated facing him, for feeling ridiculous; the loser in the race to Will's heart. And she was sure that at some point, they felt bad for her, almost embarrassed.

"Is Louise here?"

Too late; his voice pierced in the background and made her freeze. Instinctively her fingers tightened the grip on the glass of wine and she stared at her daughter in Will's arms, desperately.

What if they tried to steal Louise from her?

"Good evening, Karen."

He was nice, too nice. She turned around and forced a smile.

"Good evening, Vince."

xxxxxxx

_She loved the way his fingers got intertwined with hers, like lace sliding along the skin in the purest elegance. While the heat of his body suddenly passed underneath her flesh and reached her heart, a long shiver used to run down her spine and then she felt fine; serene._

_It was all about mechanisms with Will. The least contact seemed to set off an eternal chemistry. Perhaps it was what people called the rarity of love; when two souls finally found each other in a disturbing but yet perfect harmony._

_The thing was that they didn't even need to speak as if the silence was enough, implicit._

_And among the crowd of Grand Central, she saw him. _

_Most of people would have waved, called his name or run to him but she simply remained still as a soft smile lit up her lips. His eyes got locked with hers, setting off the whole machine from her heartbeats to the warmth spread through her veins. _

_His hands slid on her waist and the rest of the world seemed to disappear. _

_"I missed you."_

_His words made her blush but she didn't look down, held his gaze. She had learned to forget about her inhibitions when he was there._

_"But you were only gone for a day."_

_Will shrugged, hiding a smile. But his eyes were sparkling too brightly and Karen knew that he was being sincere. _

_"Every time I go away from you, something is missing. I can't help it."_

_She didn't reply and actually broke the embrace before looking away, embarrassed._

_"What's happening, Kare? Are you alright?"_

_She vaguely nodded but began to walk away without any more explanation to her unexpected reaction. Instinctively she tended her hand behind and swallowed back her tears as his fingers brushed hers and he held her tight. _

_He never asked for anything, never complained. He let go of it instead and perhaps that determined all the rest. They never wanted to argue as if the words would break down the spell but they forgot then that pretending everything was fine could also lead them to the end. _

_How many men had told her that she was the essence of their lives? And how many of them had finally gone away through another path? _

_She wished it would have been different this time; she wanted to believe so. But still, she couldn't help feeling resigned._


	5. Always

His lips touched her cheek and made her feel alive. Sometimes she wondered if he actually realized that she would probably always love him; that she just couldn't draw a line under him, as he had done with her. It would have been easier somehow but some things remained beyond her control, especially when it came to her feelings.

"I hope Louise will walk before Thanksgiving. My father and I used to go for a walk, until the very far end of our backyard then we sat there for a while but didn't say that much. Apparently we did that every year but I don't remember it. He passed away too early for that."

She didn't ask for anything but he still took her in his arms, his hands tightening their grip on her waist; his lips so close to her hair. At least they still had that, this intimacy they had developed during their love story and even though they weren't together anymore it seemed that their closeness would remain now as if it had been engraved in their heads for the rest of their life.

She might have lost his perpetual presence by her side but she still had his trust and comprehension. Perhaps she should reconsider it as luck.

"I don't even miss him since I don't remember him."

"I know. It's okay, Kare. It's not your fault."

Her voice got broken but Will's words warmed up her heart almost immediately as they had always done whenever her confessions made her feel so weak.

"I don't want Louise to forget who you are, even though you aren't with us anymore; all the time. She needs to know everything. I don't want her to be like me."

His lips finally made contact with her hair; second kiss of the day, within ten minutes to be more precise. If only he could repeat his gesture over and over; and never leave.

"Don't say that. You are an amazing woman and you are doing an amazing job with our child."

"But I wanted to do it with you."

She didn't have the courage to lock her eyes with his, only half-assumed her statement. But the tone of her voice adopted the shades of a bitter opinion, a deep sadness.

A few seconds flew away before Will reacted, taking a deep breath; sighing.

"I'm so sorry."

And the worst of all was that she knew that he really meant it.

xxxxxxx

_"I want to make love to you every single day that is left of our life. I want to feel you shiver under the palm of my hand while my tongue caressed your lips and a moan slowly makes its way to your mouth. I want to wake up every morning and be able to lock my eyes with yours then smile so that you understand that you're the one. I love you so much…"_

_It seemed that she had no barrier anymore, that her inhibitions had flown away as soon as he had taken her in his arms and made her his, sincerely. It still amazed her how all of a sudden she dared to speak about her own feelings, intimate desires and sweet fantasies. And it was so good, so perfect. _

_He rolled on top of her and laughed lightly at her words then kissed her lips. Her hand slid down his spine and came to rest on his lower back. She loved feeling his own flesh against hers, the heat of his body caressing hers. It wasn't just exciting but terribly confusing too as the fusion seemed total, so suddenly. _

_"I wouldn't mind to stop working and spend the rest of my life in your arms. I can't get enough of your eyes, your smiles, the curves of your hips…"_

_He bent over as his voice brushed her ear._

_"Your heart; this is what I'm totally crazy about."_

_Her fingers slid up his cheeks until his hair and she began to leave a trail of kisses over his lips._

_"I love you, Will. I love you, I love you, I love you…"_

_Even the simple fact to hear those words out loud made something boil in her stomach, this unique sensation that ran through the veins before spreading a wave of warmth over the heart. _

_"I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you."_

_If she had had to choose to remember a single moment in her life, she would have gone for this one; ready to give up all the other memories she had faced until then. This first night they shared as husband and wife would remain engraved in her mind for so long._

_"Thank you."_

_"For what, honey?"_

_"Why for everything but mostly for having accepted to be such an important part of my life; for allowing me to be in your arms. It had to be you. I know it was meant to be."_

_She had needed to go through three marriages before finally bursting into cries during her honeymoon, touched by the man who had decided to spend his life with her. Her previous husbands had been attentive, choosing exotic destinations for this so peculiar moment of a life, buying the most expensive jewels, hiring the best caterers; but she had just realized that the real difference was made by the heart. _

_Will kissed every single tear that fell down on her face that night, making the salt of her eyes his; absorbing the pain of her soul._

_In order to make her feel fine, like a guardian angel; but then he met someone._

_And everything crashed.  
_


	6. Marilyn, Louise and Will

Her back was aching for having spent half an hour bent above her daughter's head, holding the tiny hands while Louise made her first unsteady steps through the living-room. It was just the beginning but very soon the toddler would let go of Karen's help and without any warning would put an end to one of the most powerful connections she still shared with her mother. It would be hard for Karen to turn the page over the fusion she had learned to accept throughout the past months with her daughter.

Someone knocked on the door while they were about to go into their third journey between the sofa and the coffee table. Taking advantage of the break Karen took Louise in her arms and headed to the door.

Or she was running late or Marilyn was ahead of time.

"Good evening…"

"Hello cutie…"

Will's mother grabbed her granddaughter immediately and stepped into the apartment. The interaction she had with Louise had surprised everyone but maybe it had been a matter of years and for the toddler not being her child, she felt more comfortable with her than she had ever felt with her own children. She dropped her bag on the floor and turned around, smiling at Karen.

"I managed to catch up another train so I arrived a bit earlier. I hope you don't mind. I thought I would have more time to spend with my little princess."

"Of course, it's okay. You know you can come here any time. Hmm, would you like some coffee?"

"No, thank you. I am fine."

"Okay so maybe I could go for a shower and get ready since you are already here."

Marilyn nodded before turning her attention back to her granddaughter who had started screaming hysterically, anticipating the rest of the evening.

Since she had given birth to Louise, Karen had drawn a line under a thousand things that she didn't regret that much at the end; like all those parties, the alcohol being poured in crystal glasses and an impressive amount of time spent in the bathroom to get ready for a night out.

She still wanted to look desirable if not sexy but her priorities had changed and even more since her separation with Will.

"Now, you are fast!"

She stepped out of the bathroom ten minutes later and smiled at Marilyn, shrugged before sitting on the floor next to her daughter. Louise had developed a sweet addiction to an old rag doll; she was holding it tight all the time. Perhaps it was her own way to deal with Will's absence.

"It's just an evening with Jack, you know. He's used to seeing me; there's no need to be sparkling."

But her tone of voice lacked conviction and Marilyn noticed it.

"Are you seeing someone?"

A laugh escaped from Karen's lips as she shook her head vehemently but it didn't take her long to analyze the meaning of her instincts.

"Karen you don't have to draw a line under men just because Will…"

"I am not ready. That's all. I need some time; a lot of time."

Louise threw the rag doll away and it landed on Karen's lap; blankly, quietly like an injured soul.

"He will come back to you."

"I don't think so. He has always been attracted to men; I am just a parenthesis in his life, perhaps even a mere curiosity."

"Don't say that. I know my son very well in spite of what people can think. He chose you over everyone to get married and have a child with. He will come back."

Someone knocked on the door, probably Jack. Very slowly, as if lost in her wonders, Karen planted a kiss on Louise's head and stood up; swallowed hard. Something was weighing a lot on her chest and it hurt.

"If he doesn't do it for me then he has to think about Louise. She needs a dad."

"And you need him."

xxxxxxx

_The contact of his lips on her neck spread a wave of warmth throughout her whole body and she slowly opened her eyes only to smile at him, vaguely half-asleep. She stretched her arms, sighed heavily. His hand caressed her temple as he planted a kiss on her cheek. He had kneeled down next to the sofa, locked his eyes with hers._

_"Are you alright?"_

_She loved the way he kept on whispering whenever she had just woken up. It was sweet and attentive like a delicate embrace over her dreaming soul. _

_She nodded then looked at the door behind him. _

_"Is the meal ready? I'm sorry I have probably dozed off."_

_"It's okay. I know you're tired; everyone knows it."_

_His hand slid on her shoulder before coming to rest on her stomach; the palm spread widely over it. She loved the connection he tried to make with their child. The sweetness of those moments didn't find any resonance in the rest of her life. The baby kicked and Karen made a face, instinctively; an alarming gesture for Will._

_"She's pressing on my lower back and my breasts are too swollen. The pain is constant. Are you sure I can't give birth now?"_

_Her remark made him laugh. He kissed the back of her hand, never breaking eye-contact. _

_"You only have a month left; you can do it, Kare. And how can you be so sure that it will be a girl, anyway?"_

_"I don't really know… It's a sentiment; and because most of your life you focalized on men but you were made for women, Will Truman. And I know you would love to have a daughter."_

_"I want a healthy child."_

_"Come on, you want a girl. Be honest."_

_Her stubbornness made him blush and smile shyly. His fingers began to run on her stomach, drawing invisible circles over the tensed skin. It was relaxing. Very slowly his head came to rest against it and he planted a kiss over the imaginary paths engraved by his fingers on her flesh. _

_She passed a hand through his hair, smiled._

_"I love you, Will."_

_"I love you too."_

_Marilyn poked her head inside the library and cleared her voice, a large smile playing on her lips. Obviously she was glad to witness the sweetness of the scene._

_"Excuse me but the meal is ready. Thanksgiving is supposed to be celebrated today so if you could join us at the table now…"_

_Will's lips captured Karen's softly. _

_"I love you, Kare."_

_Why did happiness have to come to an end?_


	7. When fiction gets lost in reality

The lights turned off and the room plunged in the dark, stealing away the last bits of conversations in a religious silence. Settling further in her seat, Karen took a deep breath and focalized on the screen. She hadn't gone out for so long that she had forgotten about the fascinating atmosphere of movie theaters; the smell of popcorn and the bewitching sentiment to become one with a whole room of complete strangers.

The first image appeared. Her heart tightened.

"Oh boy…"

"What is happening?"

Sometimes when everything seemed to be falling down, a powerful wave of courage suddenly came back to the surface and swallowed all the rest; for some incomprehensible reason. And you had no choice but to accept this odd determining point, proving you that it might not have been the end yet.

She turned her face around in the dark and smiled brightly at Jack, pushed as she was by the strength of an incontrollable energy to fool everyone.

"Nothing, I am fine. Don't be worried, honey."

But she wasn't and deep inside she could feel the tears run over her heart as she had just realized that the movie they had chosen was the one she had gone to see when Will had kissed her for the very first time.

"Obviously those two seats are a sign because the rest of the room is full. Excuse me, are those seats available?"

Though she didn't have time to analyze the torture going on in her head as the question made her freeze and she bit her lower lip in a gesture of frustration; very slowly she turned around and locked her eyes with his brown ones.

She should have known better and stayed at home, with Louise. They had just moved in and she still had so many things to do to pretend to be busy, like anyone. When the sun got embraced by the moon and the city became quieter, she used to wrap herself in a large cotton blanket and spend the rest of the evening sat on the couch, huddled; a mug of tea in hand.

She was still at this stage when she thought about him constantly; wondering what he could be doing and why he had no problem to keep on living without her by his side when she could barely breathe.

"Karen? I didn't know you were going to the movies."

On the whole island of Manhattan, Will had had to choose the exact same theater as her and Jack; the same movie. And for being late at the session, the last seats available had had to be next to hers. The bitterness of the irony caused her a laugh but way too sad to be understood.

"I am out with Jack, tonight. Your mother is babysitting."

And as if it wouldn't be enough like that to know that he was with another man, now she had to witness his date; and how she wasn't the one to hold his hand.

"Coincidences, coincidences…"

Jack regretted his comment but a bit too late and so he turned back towards the screen, preferring to remain quiet as Will sat down awkwardly next to the woman he was divorcing.

She tried to concentrate on the scenes, how the protagonists were getting closer through a waltz of hidden sentiments. It was a beautiful love story like the ones you would only see in movies or at least you thought so until the impossibility of love hit your own life abruptly and there you were, looking all around you for the spotlights and the majestic 'cut' that would reassure you it was only pure fiction.

But it wasn't.

The female character got sick, announcing a dark end; slowly. Death was the only one able to ever put an end to the love story.

Karen had finally managed to get into the movie, absorbed by the intensity of the drama taking place in a way too big screen to leave you indifferent when she felt them, sliding along her hand. Will's fingers; all of a sudden they joined hers and without any warning he pressed her hand softly.

Of course he knew how hard it was for her to watch the scene of the movie.

He would always know her by heart and that was desperately sweet, somehow.

xxxxxxx

_She gave birth in December and this is more or less when the situation got worse. Perhaps it was actually the result of a whole process she hadn't seen coming or even refused to witness but at the end it didn't change that much and her distance with Will became to grow, little by little._

_He was an attentive father, an adorable husband but the fact was that she had always had the capacity to read through the lines; always been able to analyze his heart._

_And he wasn't fine. _

_"Are you alright?"_

_She sat down on the couch, closed her eyes and nodded._

_"I just have a slight headache."_

_Immediately his hands began to work on her shoulders and she succumbed to his massage. Louise was about to turn three weeks and the nights were short, cold. Karen was deprived of sleep, exhausted as a permanent sentiment of feeling down was weighing quietly on her soul. But she would have never admitted it. _

_Baby blues wasn't supposed to reach her or it would mean that she was weak. _

_"You stopped breastfeeding so get a full night of sleep while I'm in charge of Louise."_

_"No… You work during the day. I do absolutely nothing but changing diapers and preparing baby bottles; end of the conversation."_

_"But I need my time with her now, before…"_

_"Before what?"_

_"I don't know. I'm not sure."_

_In five years it was the first time she heard him hesitate, feeling unsure about his own comments. She got tensed, instinctively; then swallowed hard. Very slowly she turned around and stared at him but his eyes were blank and she didn't come to any conclusion._

_"What is going on, Will?"_

_Her question took him aback and for a couple of seconds, he almost replied but finally stood up; running away from whatever problem he was facing._

_"Nothing… I just need time to readjust with…"_

_The last word never came out. She assumed it was professional, maybe a sort of pressure from his boss. _

_She should have asked that night, pleaded him to give some more details. And perhaps then he wouldn't have met another man._


	8. Of being a family

Only couples; how could she have forgotten about it? From her right to her left were standing people assuming their roles, showing up their happiness to the entire world and the truth was that she couldn't blame them because she would have done the same if she had had the opportunity.

So in order to hide her apprehension, she tightened her grip on Louise, kissed the top of her head and tried to ignore the fact that her daughter had turned into a shield.

"Well if everyone is ready I guess it's time… Let's go!"

When Will had begun to speak about this eventuality, Karen had put her fears aside and wisely recognized that it would be a great idea; a unique moment to spend with her daughter and probably the best way to build the strong relation she was wishing for. So she had said yes immediately and hadn't forced herself to sound enthusiastic.

But two months had passed by and things had changed. Will wasn't by her side anymore.

"Karen, are you alright? You seem to be lost and intimidated…"

"Oh, I'm fine. It's just that… Well…"

"Your husband couldn't come, right? It's okay. Don't be worried… He will have plenty of other occasions."

But that wasn't true and he would miss a lot if not everything. He wouldn't be there when Louise lost her first tooth or started walking. The image of a balanced family she had dreamed about had suddenly vanished in the air for obviously belonging to a bitter utopia. She had always known it somehow and that was why she had refused for so long to have a child.

She had been weak, just once; and there she was.

Her feet slid on the damp tiles, sending shivers down her spine. Her deep discomfort was slowly invading Louise's mind and if she didn't run away now, Karen would have to face her daughter's cries in front of everyone; alone.

"Maybe I should go, you know. This is a parental session and…"

"No way, I will do it with you. I need a partner!"

The instructor smiled brightly and Karen envied her vitality, just for a few seconds. One of her most important goals in life was to never show people how she could lack courage and self-confidence. Going into extreme seemed to work out pretty well and they had started buying it so much that sometimes it even made her feel overwhelmed.

But at least they had no idea that she wasn't that brave.

"I don't know besides Louise is tired. She hasn't slept a lot last night and…"

"Here I am! I'm sorry but I got stuck in traffic."

The end of her sentence died in a barely restrained gasp at the sound of his voice. She turned around, swallowed hard.

"I thought you wouldn't come."

And that for a thousand reasons; because she hadn't recalled him the date, because she had moved out and they had separated… Because he was dating someone else. She frowned and bit her lower lip, murmured.

"Thank you, Will."

The instructor went away to speak with the rest of the group, leaving them alone. His brown eyes got locked with Karen's hazel ones.

"I know how you hate the smell of chlorine and think that swimming-pools are disgusting but you quietly accepted the idea to come here every two weeks just for Louise. It means a lot. And just because we aren't together anymore doesn't mean we ceased to be a family so if you don't mind, I would like to take part in it too… I'm missing my daughter and… And I need some more time by your side."

"Does Vince agree?"

"He would kill me if I didn't come here."

xxxxxxx

_She opened the door and her smile froze. For a couple of seconds she looked at Grace perplexed but didn't show her confusion and let her friend come in. _

_"Am I interrupting something?"_

_"No… Of course not, Gracie! Hmm… Would you like to drink something?"_

_But the cacophony in her head was so loud that she couldn't hear anything else than the bitter laugh of her incomprehension; a frank panic rushing to her mind as a latent pain was embracing her heart, killing the whole machine._

_There must have been an explanation. _

_"A glass of water will be alright. I was in the area so I decided to stop by and see Louise. How is she?"_

_"She's fine, sleeping now; in her crib. I mean she should be up within fifteen minutes now. You know what it is, babies have regular times and all you can do is… Well, it's wait for them."_

_Obviously her remark troubled her friend who stopped smiling and stared at her in disbelief instead. Blood left her cheeks, made her whole body so cold that for a second or two she thought that she might be dying. _

_"Karen, if something is wrong you know you can tell me."_

_"But I'm fine; really. I didn't want to freak you out. I'm sorry, bad choice of words. That's all!"_

_"Well, if you say so…"_

_She knew it was stupid but sometimes Karen wished that people insisted, pushed her to confess the reasons of her discomfort; her barely hidden sadness. She couldn't blame them for turning the page so easily _ after all if something was wrong, she was big enough to say it _ but every time they did, she felt the distance between her and them getting wider, as if they would never understand her temper. _

_"So is Will here? I didn't have a chance to see him for lunch."_

_"No, he… Hmm, he has a late meeting."_

_Her fingers burnt, the ones that had deleted the text message a few moment ago; the one coming from Will and that was saying that he would be late because he was having a drink with Grace._


	9. Incomprehension and doubts

She adjusted her bra in an absent-minded gesture but as she turned around her eyes caught up the reflection of her body in the mirror and made her stop with an odd if not sad fascination for the curves she hadn't looked for a very long time now. She had lost any interest the day Will had gone away, even before if she had had to be honest and her brain seemed to have finally put a bitter distance between her soul and her body.

She had lost weight and looked tired; large dark circles under her eyes, an extreme paleness lighting up her deep features. It had been a matter of time and pointless reasons to go on before the sparkling flame in her gaze abandoned her then put a veil of shadow over her soul.

And for the very first time Karen felt old.

Her fingertips made contact with her collarbone. She jumped, almost afraid of the touch then swallowed hard as they went down her chest and came to brush her scar on her lower stomach. It was a fine one, almost invisible for the eye but way too heavy for her conscience. She bit her lower lip.

Someone knocked on the door. She turned around abruptly and stared at her daughter who was playing on the floor. A few seconds flew away before she connected back with reality and the precipitation of her movements to put some clothes on stifled her voice as she asked for a moment.

She came face-to-face with a dozen roses as she finally opened the door, slightly breathless. A young man was standing behind the bouquet, a ridiculous flower-cap on his head.

"Are you Karen Truman?"

Technically she still was since they hadn't filled the divorce papers yet. And deep inside she wished she could have kept Will's name because it would always sound right, if not to everyone's ear at least to her heart.

"Yes, I am."

"Then this is for you. Would you please sign the receipt?"

Confused, she grabbed the pen that the delivery man was tending her and engraved her signature at the bottom of a purple paper. The bouquet landed in her arms without any further explanation as the employee turned on his heels and began to go back downstairs.

She studied the roses very quickly and cleared her voice.

"Wait, is there any card? I can't see it."

The young man stopped and shrugged, obviously sorry and disarmed.

"I only deliver them… Though most of our customers are used to leaving messages, even short ones; are you sure there isn't any?"

As much as she looked for it, the traditional envelop was missing. Instead was the label of the store, small and bare. She turned it around, realizing that her hand was shaking.

"Oh I guess I have found it. Thank you very much."

_Happy mother's day_

_Will_

She frowned for the second time. They weren't in May but in October. His gesture didn't make sense unless…

A gasp swallowed back her tears. She moaned, in pain.

Unless… Will had kept alive their odd tradition to celebrate it twice, six months apart.

Louise began an incomprehensible talk in her back but as she turned around to look properly at her daughter, the door flew open and Grace entered.

"Now that is a beautiful bouquet. Who sent it to you?"

Perplexed, Karen stared at the label she was still holding tightly between her fingers. She blinked.

"It's Will."

Her incomprehension suddenly twirled around in a boiling wave of frustrating anger and without any warning she threw the bouquet on the floor and rushed to her bedroom, slamming the door. The roses crashed, their petals rolling over in a subtle sound of broken hearts.

Sat down in the dark she heard Louise's cries in the background but for once she didn't mind. She had the right to be sad.

_xxxxxxx_

_You lied to me. The other day you said that you were having a drink with Grace but it wasn't true because she stopped by, hoping to have a chance to actually see you. Where were you? Why did you decide to not tell me the truth? What happened to us and those promises of honesty? What have I done so that you finally kept your distance with me?_

_"Karen, would you like more cake?"_

_Marilyn's question put an end to her anxious daydream and she shook her head, abandoning her contemplation on Will's silence. But the incomprehension remained. Four days had passed by but she hadn't found the strength to ask him for details, sometimes even hesitated about her right to do so. After all everyone could have secrets… _

_But lying was another kind of game. _

_"No, thank you."_

_"Oh, trying to get your shape back? Don't be worried, you are perfect as you are now. Besides you hadn't really put on weight during your pregnancy; not that much."_

_She had had plenty of occasions to start the conversation, an intimate one. But perhaps pretending that everything was fine was easier than the naked truth that would break her heart. _

_Will turned around and looked at her before pressing her hand. Was she going ridiculous or his gesture didn't own its usual warmness? _

_"This is true, Kare. You are just perfect."_

_He planted a kiss on her temple but it sounded blank._


	10. It's alright

A soft hand caressed her cheek. She opened her eyes and came to face Louise's sparkling gaze. The toddler giggled and tended her little hands for an embrace.

She couldn't resist and hugged her daughter tightly against her chest, laughing all along. Sometimes it seemed that everything was going well, that their family hadn't broken into pieces and they were alright. But it never lasted long enough to be assimilated and all of a sudden Karen faced nothing but the shadows of failures.

"Do you want to sleep a little more? If so I can take her to the park or something."

"No, it's okay. I should learn to appreciate the moments I am spending with her."

Louise was now laughing hard, amused by Karen's faces and the game of hands they were sharing. It didn't happen a lot, only on rare occasions when Will wasn't around to take care of their daughter.

Grace sat down on the floor next to the couch where Karen was lying. She looked aside, took a deep breath before turning her attention back to her friend whose smile was so pale that it seemed on the verge to break in a thousand tears.

"Have you talked to Will, lately? I mean about the bouquet and all."

"No and I wasn't planning to do so."

She didn't look at Grace and concentrated falsely on Louise instead. The truth was that she was lost, heartbroken and completely unbalanced. When she seemed to be finally moving on, Will came back with a troubling sweetness as if she would remain forever in his heart but in an untouchable way that only caused frustration and pain.

She knew that he didn't do it on purpose but it was killing her inside, little by little.

"He doesn't hate you."

"I know. But I need time…"

"Oh please. If you go on this way you might end up losing him once and for all. I'm not excusing his acts and the way he left you and Louise but these things happen, unfortunately. And all we can do is to move on and accept the changes."

"If there is one person to blame in this story it is not Will but me. It has never been his fault. He did what he had to do, that's all."

"What do you mean? He met someone else while you two were married. You didn't have an affair… Did you?"

A bitter laugh escaped from her lips. She shrugged, frowned then shook her head. Louise had stopped laughing.

"You don't need to be involved in an affair to ruin your marriage, Grace. You can be unfaithful on a thousand different ways and cause the exact same damages that lead to the end."

"But what have you done that you think you are responsible of your divorce?"

"I haven't respected our vows, mainly because I am not a good person. Whatever I do or touch turns into a pure nightmare. I don't lack talent but personality; and emotions. I have never wanted to have a child because I knew that I couldn't love someone when yet I couldn't stand myself and even now she's here… It's all so confused in my head. Even my body rejected her. I haven't even been able to give birth to my daughter, Grace. I had a c-section. Nothing works for me, especially when it comes to human relationships. That's why Will decided to leave. It's only the result of my mistakes and incapacities; not the fact he met Vince."

xxxxxxx

_"I guess I have met someone. I don't understand why… I thought I was fine with you, at last in peace with myself. I can't believe that I was wrong. I don't want to. It is not true, besides. We aren't a mistake and will never be. But he is there and I don't know what to think."_

_"What is his name?"_

_"Vince; I met him at the courthouse. Nothing happened except a couple of drinks but I knew that I had to tell you because I can't deny what I feel when I am with him."_

_"And when you are here, with me, what happens to your heart?"_

_A few seconds passed by, swallowed by an oppressive silence and the coldness of pain spreading over her heart. Will finally bent over, burying his face in his hands. _

_"I'm sorry."_

_She wasn't even surprised. The tears didn't seem to be ready to slide on her face but the quietness of her gestures sounded harsh, a lot more than if she had thrown a scene and asked for a fight. _

_"What are we supposed to do now?"_

_"Perhaps we should take some distance from each other for a while."_

_"Fine…"_

_She had been married three times before and always been the one asking for a divorce. Now that the roles had been reversed, Karen realized that she might have lacked tact at some point in her life because it had never crossed her mind it could be so hard when you weren't the one who was holding the cards. _

_"I can… I will look for a flat very soon. I… Hmm… This is your place, not mine."_

_"Karen…"_

_"No, it's alright. Don't be worried, Will. It's alright."_

_No, it wasn't alright. It was just life.  
_


	11. Vulnerability

The first time it had happened, she had just turned eight years old. In the middle of an intense activity of packing for what would be the first moving of a long series, the pain had suddenly hit her with an unbearable strength forcing her to stay in bed, silent. People tended to think that the most difficult for her was her new impossibility to speak because she was always so talkative but the truth was that she dreaded a lot more the sentiment of being weak, vulnerable.

For some reason she was sure that everyone would try to take advantage of her, then.

The regular average was twice a year but curiously enough her pregnancy had kept her away from those fits, as if her own body might have fought for the health of her baby. And now that it was over and she was sick again, the pain seemed to have been multiplied by ten.

The door of her bedroom opened but she didn't move. Even breathing was enough to stir up a whole wave of pain from her heavy legs to her burning throat that almost prevented her from swallowing properly.

Everyone owned a fragile side. Karen's was her repetitive anginas.

The bed vaguely moved under the weight of her visitor sitting down. Very slowly she turned her head around, opened her eyes. Fever always made her cry, burning tears sliding on her face before dying in the depths of her neck. The sensation was uncomfortable but obviously beyond her control.

"Louise is with Jack. I wanted to come over and… Where is your bottle of water? You need to drink, Karen. I will make you some tea with honey and cinnamon later. I know you have always hated that, even though you didn't protest then."

She couldn't speak, not even make the slightest noise. The simple fact to open her mouth brought a new wave of tears to her eyes when the air finally hit her throat and seemed to burn everything down, quietly. The pain was latent and strong.

And Will knew that she was then at his mercy.

"I don't want to divorce, Kare. I have never wanted to. I love the idea that you're wearing my name, that we're sharing this detail. It makes it all intimate. It's comforting. My decisions haven't made sense lately and I wanted to apologize because I know I hurt you when it wasn't my intention at all. I love you; no mattered I am the one who went away. No mattered I met someone else… I will never be able to forget you nor what we lived together. This is just about me and a couple of things I don't know how to deal with. I'm so sorry you had to be in the middle of it because if there's something I can be sure of now, it's that by your side I've been really happy."

She had a ton of questions to ask him from his sentiments towards Vince to these doubts that seemed to have invaded his thoughts, ruining all the rest in silence. But as much as she would try, the words would remain stuck in her heart as her throat would refuse to carry them to the world.

So she let him kiss the top of her head and go away.

"I'm going to make some tea."

xxxxxxx

_"I know I am selfish because all I should be thinking about is Louise and the poor scheme of a family we're about to give her but the truth is that it is all about me. I feel humiliated, as if I hadn't been worth it. I feel like he has tried but I haven't been able to bring him the required satisfaction so that he remains by my side. I have failed, somehow. And it's sad."_

_Jack let a few seconds pass by before finally sighing in anticipation of his reply. _

_"Karen, don't take it bad but this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Stop acting as if you were guilty. He went away, damn it! You didn't push him out. He decided to do so by himself for some reason I still don't understand. Well, I guess he's just scared before the seriousness of your relationship now you are a family, with a child. You know, his separation with Michael troubled him a lot because he was so sure that everything would be alright. He had convinced himself that it had to and yet it didn't turn out as planned. He's just afraid to lose you so he preferred to leave before it happening. Well, if that ever makes sense."_

_"It does… I don't like it but it does, I guess. Though what am I supposed to do now? Yet I hadn't planned to have a child so being a single mom even less and… And I don't want to leave him. I am in love with someone, for the very first time in my life. We managed to sort it out and now he goes away? This is not fair! This is… You know, all my nastiness and the bad things I did in the past. It looks like I'm paying for them right now."_

_"Karen, don't say that."_

_"Why? I haven't been that nice, with a lot of people and for absolutely no reason. Maybe the wind just changed its direction."_

_"Then if so you still can consider you as a lucky one because I have seen harsher separations. You still speak to each other, not even argued about your situation… It seems that you two have come to an implicit agreement and even though it might be a little tough, your life is still going on. He didn't meet someone on purpose…"_

_"I know that."_

_"See, you don't even manage to say that it's his fault. It might hurt but at the end, you are still together; somehow."_

_"But I don't want any 'somehow'. I need a balanced life, by his side."_

_"It's a matter of time."_


	12. Choices

The music was soft and warm to the ear, so peaceful that she almost wanted to close her eyes and succumb to it as if nothing else retained her there in the harsh reality of life. But she had had her time and now it was too late. She couldn't have the same relation to lullabies as she used to. She had grown up; she had had to.

Leaning her chin on the edge of the crib, she smiled at the sight of her daughter falling asleep. She was only eleven months old but yet she had got some habits, like her right hand caressing her cheek before closing her eyes then sleep. She was a sweet little girl, rather quiet and reasonable; easy-going.

Karen had been like that too once but then everything had broken into pieces for a thousand reasons.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Marilyn told me that her photo album was upstairs, second door on my right…"

"She always gets it wrong. It's on your left."

Curiously enough she didn't manage to be mad at Vince. Besides he was too nice, and honest. There was something in his eyes that prevented you from hating him, a sort of sweetness and incredible vulnerability that went beyond anyone's control.

"Is she sleeping?"

"Yeah…"

Karen stood up and slowly headed towards the door where Vince was awkwardly standing.

She had never taken time to speak to him; what for anyway? She didn't want to know the slightest thing about his life, even less what he liked. They were polite and nice to each other. It was enough like that.

She passed the door and headed down towards the stairs. The meal would be served any minute now and she knew how Marilyn loved when everyone was ready to sit down at the table. It had to be planned, from the very beginning to the end. She was a control freak just to balance the fact she hadn't managed to control her own life. It was sad somehow.

"You are still everything for him."

"Excuse me?"

"I said that you were still everything for him. He doesn't speak about you but it's clear enough. Will loves you more than anything."

That was unexpected. As a matter of fact, she had never faced someone who dared to advance the idea that he was the third party when he seemed to be leading. She shook her head in disbelief and laughed nervously.

"Then why did he leave me? Why do stay with him?"

"We haven't spent an hour together for two weeks but for some reason he invited me over today. Perhaps because he knew that you would be here."

"But if he still loves me, as you said…"

"I know. It doesn't make sense; unless he lacks so much self-confidence that he prefers to make you believe a couple of things, even though it means that he will have to stay away from you."

"We've been living together for five years and he was the one who assumed it all. I'm sorry but if there's something Will doesn't lack, it is self-confidence."

"No, he's arrogant. That's different."

"Touché…"

Vince was right and Karen had no choice but to recognize it. It still didn't make sense at all though.

"Why did you stay with him?"

"I hoped… I hoped for a change but very soon realized that I would never get it because all he wanted was you. He doesn't know how to say it to you now that he left. He's afraid that you have actually turned the page."

"Why did he go towards you?"

Vince shrugged and seemed to hesitate for a few seconds. Marilyn's voice pierced in the background, announcing that the meal was ready and about to be served.

"I guess he wanted to prove something to himself but got the exact opposite instead: you're indispensable to his life, no matters what it actually implies."

xxxxxxx

_"You can't move to The Bronx!"_

_"And could you tell me why? It is a nice house, to a decent price; with a backyard."_

_"But… It's not Manhattan. Come on, you have always been the first one to reject any other part of this country; especially the other boroughs."_

_"Maybe I changed my mind. Besides I have always had strong attaches to this area of the city."_

_"Yeah, I prefer not to know why. Don't take it bad."_

_"I was referring to the botanical garden, Will; not to crack or cocaine. Listen, you want me to leave. Fine, but then don't expect from me that I stay in your building. If you don't get that well… Change your priorities."_

_"But The Bronx is so far and not that safe."_

_"I can't stand The Upper East Side anymore and… I don't know. I really like this house." _

_"How about The Village?"_

_"There is no available brownstone there."_

_"Who said that you needed a whole house anyway? It will just be the two of you. Kare… I just don't want that something happens to you."_

_She abdicated and accepted a two-bedroom apartment on Central Park West, so far from the lovely townhouse in The Bronx; quieter perhaps but way too much as a matter of fact. Ten years earlier she would have died for the most impressive penthouse of the city, on the roof of some breathtaking condo. All she would have wanted then would have been getting attention from all kind of people. _

_But what had once appeared as incredible sounded fade and unnecessary now. _

_All she wanted was to stay with him and that was all._


	13. Precarious balance

There were some days when she would have wished that everything had been different; that she had never got married, never fallen in love or never moved to New York. But the main problem was that if she ever tried to imagine her life in another city, with different people, it didn't work. The page was blank, letting her understand that whether she liked it or not, she did belong to this world, that way and not another one.

She slammed the door of the cab with her foot and ran to the building, her hand on Louise's head to protect her daughter from the rain. The doorman opened the door immediately and she hurried to the elevators, soaked wet in spite of her efforts. A drop of water slid along her neck and made her shiver.

She hated the rain more than anything else. Besides, it seemed to bring an extra surge of vitality to Louise who didn't stop kicking around, all excited.

"Save up your energy for the rest of the day, honey. Please… You're giving me a headache."

They reached the ninth floor, made a few steps towards Will's door.

At this point, it was always the same. Curiously enough Louise didn't recognize the lobby of the building but as soon as they stepped out of the elevators, the toddler became hysterical in anticipation of what finally looked like home. Perhaps even more than the present place they were occupying. After all if Karen had this feeling, there was no reason that her daughter didn't share it.

"Good morning…"

"Hey! You're a bit early."

Will's remark stopped her right away and she instinctively tightened her grip on their daughter. Was she susceptible or his words did own a certain coldness? It troubled her, for a few seconds but she decided to let it go. She would have probably said something once, at some point, but now it was different.

She had lost self-confidence and determination, afraid that the slightest remark would make it all worse.

"Yeah, it's raining and…"

She didn't even bother to finish her pointless sentence. Will grabbed Louise and began to twirl around, vaguely dancing and singing all along. The toddler burst out laughing; Karen's heart broke into pieces.

Her daughter never used to laugh so much when they played together. Will had only needed a couple of seconds. She had been trying to for ten months.

"Well… So I'll stop by tonight, okay?"

"Oh sure… You can go, now. I mean I don't want you to get late in all the activities you probably have planned for your Saturday."

As a matter of fact, she had absolutely nothing to do. She had turned down Jack's suggestion to go to Barney's and Grace was at her parents' place for the weekend. The other people she knew were mere acquaintances.

"But before you go, I have something to give you."

Will put Louise on the floor, among a dozen of toys; left towards his bedroom. Instinctively Karen kneeled down and began to play with the toddler, absent-mindedly though. She hated those moments, their artificial face-to-face when everyone pretended it was alright whereas their discomfort was shouting out loud the exact opposite.

Actually it was sad; just sad.

"There it is!"

She looked up only to face Will holding one of her necklaces. Something fell down in her heart as deception lit up its bitter victory over her hopes.

"I found it the other day, when I was cleaning."

Without asking permission or misinterpreting the fact she was standing up, Will slid his hands over her neck _ his fingers brushing her skin _ and arranged the jewel.

"It is a beautiful one."

His words hit the air in a murmur of incertitude. She locked her eyes with his, swallowed hard as her fingertips made contact with the emerald snake now highlighting her neck.

It is when she realized that his hands were still on her nape, that he hadn't moved an inch away. Curiously enough Louise was extremely quiet unless the whole world had stopped turning, like in the craziest fantasies.

That's probably why she stayed still when he bent over and captured her lips in an unexpected kiss.

She had forgotten everything, from the heat of his body against hers to the reassuring feeling to be in someone's arms; how it made you feel alive.

But she broke apart, pushed him away and shook her head.

"What the hell are you thinking about?"

She stormed out and only allowed herself to burst into cries when she reached the corner of the street, never minding what people would think of her if she was the only one wearing sunglasses under the rain.

There were some days, indeed, when Karen wished she had had another life.

xxxxxxx

_If I am writing to you now it is because I am not fine. I don't want to call you because hearing your voice is worse than a thousand lies, a thousand things I still blame you for. But I do need you though because it seems that everything is upside down._

_He leaves me. Perhaps there is some fairness in it at the end, especially if I start thinking about it and so I can't but accept the way a soft smile is probably playing on your lips at the read of these words but still, it hurts a lot more than it should. And I am not sure that I should go on to be completely honest with you. _

_I am in love with him and will always be. It is as simple as that, as dead-end too since he doesn't share the same feelings anymore. But if so it means that I have lost my balance and then tell me why I should go on and pretend? _

_I am tired of appearances. They actually make me sick. But if I don't have Will, give me a reason to keep on living. Please… _

_I need you, mom…_

_Karen_


	14. The soliloquy of independance

"Will kissed me and for the very first time of my life I pushed him away because it didn't sound right anymore, as if our actions were all of a sudden lacking logic. Have you ever experienced this sentiment before? It hurts, a lot; probably because it looks so bare and true."

"I am not sure, to be honest with you. My love life is just a wonderful mess of incomprehensible emotions so I might not be the best person to give my opinion according to my so-called experience but… Did he call you?"

The question took her aback because it hadn't even crossed her mind until then that he was supposed to do so or could have tried to reach her at some point. She had run away, rather harshly besides. It is not as if she had given him any chance.

"No, he didn't. But it's better like that. Honestly, I think it is because I don't want to speak to him right now."

"Is it too early? I thought you weren't mad at him."

"I am not."

"So…"

After rushing back to her apartment she had been thinking about it all day, the heat of his lips still burning on hers like the infidelity of some fault you wouldn't dare to recognize as yours but that wouldn't stop shouting out loud your responsibility. It was hard and extremely bitter; a bit too heavy to be pushed aside by your mind.

"If only I could come to conclusions so easily… It's a lot more complicated, Grace, because it doesn't only involve Will and I but Louise as well and she barely is a child. I feel so bad, sometimes."

"What did you feel when he kissed you?"

The question she dreaded the most and yet the one that had stuck to her mind since the very beginning of her sentimental peregrination through her heart; everything looked blurry.

Instinctively she bit her lower lip and frowned in a vain attempt to protect herself against the thousand injuries her words would make to her soul, undeniable ones though. She had always had difficulties to face those moments when her realizations reached a darker reality than the one hoped in her dreams.

"It's the problem, you see."

Her voice suddenly broke down but the tears never came out. Perhaps the logic of the facts had won over the rest, over her sentiments.

"What do you mean?"

But Grace's question only sounded rhetorical because it seemed that she already knew what was coming like a dead-end anticipation of something nobody wanted to hear.

"I felt nothing, absolutely nothing… As much as I haven't stopped asking for his return all along those past few weeks, I guess I finally turned the page over Will."

Her heart didn't break into pieces as she had supposed it would. As a matter of fact, the slightest sentiment remained trapped in the whole machine of her body and never reached her heart or her mind. It was like dying, slowly; the ice embracing your skin and reducing to an eternal silence your hopes and smiles.

"Everything has to come to an end, honey."

Grace nodded absent-mindedly, not at all convinced.

xxxxxxx

_You have never needed anyone to overcome those situations, Kiki, so take a deep breath and go on as you know how to do it. I can't call you now, besides. I am off to Italy. _

_Lois_

_Two lines; her mother had sent back a missive that consisted in two lines, only three sentences. The worst of all was that she emphasized Karen's so-called strong loneliness as if its singular acolyte had ever been a real friend by her side but it was all about appearances and she desperately lacked it. _

_She had never had the courage of her sister, even less her mother's mischievousness. She was only a pale imitation of a whole series of women she had taken as real examples but without being able to actually become any of them properly. _

_She couldn't lie to herself and pretend to be someone else. It never really worked out at the end. _

_With a shaking hand she tore the poor letter in a thousand pieces and threw it away in a paper basket. The tears had spread a veil over her eyes, tightened their grip on her throat. Whenever the air tried to make its way to her lungs, a burning sensation seemed to run throughout her whole body. _

_She had always hated crying. _

_Cruelly enough as she turned around she came to face her reflection in the mirror of the living-room. She had insisted to put one there, for no particular reason. Now she regretted her whim more than deeply. _

_She hadn't asked to find herself lonely. As a matter of fact, what had sounded attractive at some point in her early life now only resulted scaring because everything changed so much once you had shared true sentiments. _

_"You can't draw a line under me like that, Will."_

_Her soliloquy died in her sobs. She stared at the door of the apartment. _

_Why did it not fly open and bring back everything?_

_Because it had never done so when she wasn't with Will… _

_This is when she understood how her life suddenly depended on a single person, how she had grown addicted to his presence by her side; probably too much. And so if there was someone in this story who should try a change of mine, it was her and not the man she had considered as the right one. _

_Past, present, future; sometimes you couldn't belong to each one._


	15. Meeting people

You never realized about the immensity of New York places until a weight slowed down your steps and made you feel alone, at the mercy of all those strangers' obvious gazes. Then the slightest gesture seemed to take an eternity as a deep and burning pressure tightened your heart, bringing you on the verge to burst into tears.

"Excuse me."

The effect didn't sound as effective as she would have wanted to for her voice being breathless and way too low, barely perceptible. The man nonetheless turned around and stared at her intently before allowing her to pass in front of him.

She blushed instead of thanking him.

Things had changed obviously and Karen Walker had ceased to be.

The platform finally appeared and she tried to speed up but Louise began to move around, kicking against her waist with her shoes in the hope to go on the ground.

"Not now, sweetie… Give me five minutes and you will have your own seat."

In the first place, she had wanted to take the stroller but very soon realized that if so, she wouldn't be able to hold her suitcase as well. And she would be alone, sweet irony of fate. Sometimes she wished that people stopped thinking she wanted to do everything by herself, on her own when she might actually need them.

Resigned, she had grabbed the large scarf and tied it up around her shoulders and her waist as she had used to do during the first months with Louise. By then she had even managed to appreciate the contact with her daughter, the heat of a little body against her cold one. But almost a year had passed by and the weight of the child had now changed the perspective, stirring up a latent pain in her lower back for every step she tried to make and it was a long way from the street to the platform of Grand Central.

The coaches of the train began to speeding past by her side and when she finally reached hers, a pale smile of victory played on her dry lips.

"Could you please help me to step in?"

A girl staring absent-mindedly at the station from the door of the train nodded in silence and grabbed Karen's suitcase but as a cell phone began to ring, she put an abrupt end to her gesture and went away, the suitcase remaining right in the middle of the door.

"Thank you…"

What was she expecting anyway? There was a time she wouldn't even have looked up at a person asking for help so maybe it was just fair enough in the end. Her feet finally made contact with the couple of steps but as she was about to push further the suitcase in order to make her way completely on the train, his voice took her aback; made her freeze.

"Karen, wait!"

Running in her direction, Will was waving desperately at her, completely unaware of the way people were staring at him in grand confusion.

"What are you doing here?"

Her voice sounded cold but she had lost control of everything a very long time ago yet.

Very slowly she looked at him, swallowed hard. Meticulously enough she had avoided him to prevent her heart from breaking into pieces, to prevent herself from feeling guilty but if she had had to be honest, right now on the platform on Grand Central on a Friday afternoon, she would have had to confess how she actually missed him.

But she didn't have to.

"Karen, don't do that to me. Please, don't go away…"

"I am going to my brother's place for the weekend, Will. I will be back on Monday."

"You know what I mean."

A voice in the background announced the imminent departure of her train. She looked down at the ground, at the space separating the train she was on from the asphalt where Will was standing. How could immensity find a resonance in a few inches?

She sighed, heavily.

"When you decided to go, I didn't ask you for anything…"

"Maybe but I do because I have to. You can't do that to me, not now; never. You… You can't because I need you."

"Didn't I need you too at some point? I had to deal with that so I suggest you to do the same and…"

"Do you remember the first day we met?"

"Oh please, save it up! You know I hate those scenes in movies."

But Will didn't hear or at least pretended not to and he went on, never breaking eye-contact.

"It had been raining all morning and for my cab being stuck in the traffic I had run up half of the street to reach Grace's office… I was soaked wet and she hadn't arrived yet. The first image I had of you was your nape, a fragile angle of flesh put under the light of this gloomy day. I stopped in the doorway and observed you for a while. You hadn't noticed me and you were humming a song, twirling a pen in your hair. And for what lasted only ten seconds, all I knew of you resulted to be your nape. It seemed so delicate… It's when I understood that I would do anything to protect it, to prevent anyone from hurting it because we don't break or damage beautiful things. Then my life suddenly stopped being pointless, fade… I was born to love you to death."

Without any warning the door of the train got closed and Karen found herself facing blankly the metal of the train; Will's words running through her body, warming up her heart, lighting up her mind, giving life to a thousand silent tears.

The train left Grand Central but she didn't stop it, let it go, taking her away from Will.

xxxxxxx

_"May I offer you a drink?"_

_She turned around and fixed her hazel eyes on a man in his forties. He was wearing a black suit, probably an Armani; cigar in hand. His smile was soft and sounded reassuring._

_"No thank you."_

_"Why not…?"_

_"Because I am married…"_

_"Then what are you doing here in this select lounge, alone on a Saturday evening?"_

_She thought about it for a second, bit her lower lip and frowned. _

_"Actually I have no idea."_

_Because even when she went out, she couldn't forget Will._


	16. About family

She hated her own hypocrisy, the way she pretended to ignore some things when she actually couldn't focalize on anything else. But it seemed to go beyond her control as a sort of self-defense against the aggressiveness of reality.

The weekend passed by and she didn't receive any call from Will, not even the slightest message. If you had asked her about it, she would have said that she didn't care; barely thought about it.

In lies always remained the harshest truths.

And Monday arrived with the emptiness of a platform when the train finally stopped in Grand Central and she stepped out, looking instinctively all around. He wasn't there. Before the bitter but yet logical realization, Karen hailed a cab and headed back to her apartment in a terrifying silence where her loneliness seemed to shout out its pain over her icy mind.

As a matter of fact she didn't have so much time. The rest of the day flew away until Jack knocked on her door and they left Manhattan again. That was the worst part, actually: having to face him without being able to come back on the words he had said on Friday afternoon for other people sharing the same narrow place and all of a sudden the car seemed to turn into a sweet nightmare.

She avoided his gaze but kept on talking all along, as if nothing had happened; frustration growing slowly like an invisible shield.

They made their way through the dozen of relatives that Marilyn and George had invited, vaguely taken aback by the sudden crowd that didn't match at all the rest of their day-to-day lives.

When she had married Will and got introduced for the very first time as his wife, Karen had felt overwhelmed, secretly thrilled to belong at last to what looked like a real family with its dysfunctions but nonetheless a supportive spirit. Impatient before the traditional holidays of the calendar, she had enjoyed every single second of the exhausting family reunions where the hours seemed to vanish in eternal conversations before a fireplace or at the tiny table of a kitchen. Everybody pretended to hate those moments but deep inside she knew that those were just comments because who could have resisted to the warm effervescence of a day spent with relatives? It made you feel alive.

Nobody made the slightest remark. She got welcomed like all the previous times. But what appeared at first as confusion turned suddenly into a bitter understanding as she crossed Marilyn's gaze who smiled softly, almost apologetically.

Obviously nobody knew that they had separated.

Discreetly enough she finally managed to make her way upstairs to the bedrooms. Louise needed to be changed and eventually to have a bath.

The corridor was so silent that it almost jumped to her throat and tightened it hard, a chill running down her spine before the coldness of the place. This is when she realized that she had no idea where to go to, which door to open. Was she supposed to head to the guestroom?

"I put the crib in Will's room. He will sleep in Sam's one since his dear brother won't be able to come before tomorrow."

Her hazel eyes followed Marilyn as the blonde opened the door of Will's bedroom and turned the lights on.

"Do you need some help? Hello, cutie…"

Marilyn took Louise in her arms and sat down on the edge of the mattress, smiling brightly at her granddaughter. The toddler replied immediately, bursting out laughing. Karen put down the travel bag she had been carrying all along and observed at her mother-in-law with envy.

"You have a great complicity."

"She will still love you more than anyone else; don't be worried."

The remark made Karen blush but she didn't insist and unzipped the travel bag instead, taking out of it a pair of pajamas.

"I want to change her before the dinner. Did you prepare it?"

Marilyn nodded and proceeded to sit the toddler on the bed.

"So how are things going?"

Karen shrugged and kneeled down before the bed, unbuttoned her daughter's dress. For some reason she never really wanted to avoid a conversation with Marilyn; no mattered it hurt or let appear a thousand wonders.

"He wants… He said that he was still in love with me."

She chose this perspective in her sentence only because she ignored what Will really wanted in the end. As much as he had expressed his desire to come back and start it all over again, he hadn't mentioned how or when, where.

"But now you feel lost, don't you?"

"The whole thing might have touched me a lot more than what I would have imagined…"

"Take your time. To infidelity result even more insecurities. And I know what I'm talking about, unfortunately."

Everybody did. George's mistresses had ceased to be a secret for a very long time and now it was all about composure, lies and pretending.

xxxxxxx

_"Do you often think about all the things you have yet accomplished?"_

_"Honey, I just asked you if you wanted a coffee. I am not in the mood for a so-called therapy."_

_But Grace ignored her comment and went on, almost absent-mindedly._

_"Because I do and most of the times I end up wondering why I am still here since I haven't accomplished the slightest interesting thing."_

_She gasped instinctively before shaking her head, confused. Grace's confession was completely unexpected because as much as she used to go through light crisis, such a remark didn't match with the scene. _

_"Have you lost your mind?"_

_She should have thought about it twice before letting the words, harsh ones, come out. Her friend needed more compassion than virulent comments._

_"I mean…"_

_"No, on the contrary, Karen… Everything makes sense. I guess it's even the only realistic thing I have said lately. People around me don't stop building things, going through life. Mine looks like a bad parody."_

_"How can you say that? You are not even in your forties and yet you're the owner of your own company; a small one but very promising. You are talented; you have a good situation and people you can count on around you. This is not failing to me."_

_"But I didn't find love, I didn't get married… I didn't have a child. I am not happy."_

_"And do you think I am, in spite of owning those three characteristics?"_


	17. The last call

It sounded like an interlude, a sweet parenthesis in the hectic cadence of the last few weeks but all of a sudden she didn't care anymore about the reasons that pushed him to do so and she enjoyed being Will's wife for the rest of the evening.

The first time his hand made contact with hers, something happened in her heart. Against all expectations, she felt it break a bit more as a silent pain escaped from the wound and got lost in her blood, through her veins. She would have died for the salt of her tears against her lips because it was always relieving in the end but nobody was supposed to burst into cries in the middle of a dinner, just like that; for no apparent reason.

"Is she sleeping?"

She didn't turn around but nonetheless nodded, looking at Louise in the crib. It was late and everybody had finally called it a night but when she had opened the door and faced the emptiness of the bedroom, a sentiment of deep loneliness had wrapped up her heart. So she had rushed to her daughter who was sleeping peacefully, her tiny hand on the rag doll she took wherever she was supposed to be.

For most of her life Karen had tried to build a semblance of logic but everything always ended up crashing down and Louise was the last of her references.

Will approached and stopped by her side before laughing softly as his eyes were locked on his daughter.

"She's beautiful…"

His voice was soft, warm in the murmurs of his tone.

"I don't make ugly babies, Will."

A shy smile played on her lips and as she shrugged, her eyes finally met his. She hadn't forgotten the way they kept on sparkling in the dark; how many times they had reassured her silent words, all those endless wonders she never dared to say out loud.

And then she understood about the importance of life.

"I never meant to hurt you. Please, don't hate me."

"You didn't hurt me, Will. You broke me down into pieces. But even though you decided to kill me, I wouldn't be able to hate you; never… Look what we've done together. Louise gives sense to my life, as well as you do. That's why I will always be in love with you. And I'm just scared to death that you might change your mind; that it might come to an end. Because it's so cold when you're not by my side…"

She finally tasted her tears as he captured her lips in a kiss.

The rest of the night vanished in a trail of stolen smiles, the paleness of their sighs and the delicate emotion to be back in each other's arms.

It had been a year since the last time, more or less. After Louise's birth, she hadn't had any other man because it wouldn't have sounded right, to her heart.

The coldness of the morning woke her up and as she rolled on her back _ opened her eyes _ Karen smiled. For the very first time life seemed to offer perspectives, again. She dared to have dreams of an existence not so lonely. She turned her head around but froze before the emptiness of the bed. With a shaking hand she caressed the edges of the pillow, still wearing the shapes of his head.

But he had left.

Within a second she jumped out of bed and realized that Louise wasn't in her crib either. Anxious, she grabbed a pair of grey linen pants and a black cardigan; put them on before rushing downstairs.

The living-room was deserted, as well as the kitchen. As a matter of fact the pale light of the sun was such that it was still probably very early in the morning and everyone was still sleeping. But she hadn't seen him in Sam's bedroom either, the door having been left opened all night long since he had stayed with her.

She was about to check in the laundry room when her eyes caught a figure outside, in the backyard.

Wearing a pair of worn jeans and a white shirt, Will was holding Louise in his arms; talking to her. Very slowly Karen made her way out then stopped as he turned around to look at her.

"Happy Thanksgiving, Kare…"

She frowned when he put their daughter down on the grass and let go of her tiny hands; gasped as the toddler made her first unbalanced steps towards her. Karen kneeled down, opening her arms to receive Louise in a silent hug. She was too moved to say the slightest thing.

She stood up again and came to face Will. Smiling, he shrugged and put a hand around her waist before planting a kiss on top of her head.

"You wanted her to walk for Thanksgiving because it reminded you of some time you spent with your father… I guess she heard you and made your hopes come true."

xxxxxxx

_Some people say that I should turn the page; that now he is gone I shouldn't wait for him anymore. But the truth is that I can't because if I do so, my life won't make any sense. _

_I didn't have a very quiet existence. It has been hectic, sometimes unbearable; way too harsh. I have made mistakes, not really learned from them to be completely honest but at some point he showed up and brought me the vital balance I had been looking for in vain._

_That's why I will always love Will and I know that he will come back to me. _

_Because he is supposed to save me; a sort of last call._


End file.
